Weasel Meets Shark
by TheArchives
Summary: (One-shot) Short, random AU fic. What if Itachi and Kisame had fought each other in the Chuunin Exams? (Okay, so I lied. You get a little bit more. O.o)
1. Default Chapter

**Weasel meets Shark**  
By: Clever Audrey  
Disclaimer: Anything you recognize as Kishimoto-sama's does not belong to me.  
Warnings: normal battle violence, slight language, and a healthy, VERY sugary dose of Chibi!Sasuke at the end

AN: Okay, this requires some explanation. This is a rather random AUish, "What if?" kind of story. I wondered what would happen if Itachi and Kisame had met when they were younger - at the Chuunin Exams, for example. And...this is what came out. The premise is that they've made it to the third round (the one-on-one battles) of the Exams, and have both beaten all their other opponents, so they are fighting each other as the last two combatants. So...yes. **AU**, as I said, so **they will be** **different from canon** - remember, they're younger and not psychotic yet (Itachi is 10 and Kisame is probably 12 or 13). Enjoy!

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**Chuunin Exam, Final Match! Uchiha vs. Hoshigaki!**

"Final match: Uchiha Itachi-" the judge had to pause and wait for the wave of cheering to die down, "versus Hoshigaki Kisame. Take your places."

Kisame simply vaulted over the railing of the contestants' observation balcony and dropped lightly into the arena. Itachi closed his eyes, disappearing briefly and reappearing across from his opponent, with the judge between them.

"All right – you know the rules: anything goes, until one of you clearly loses or gives up. I will step in at any time if I feel it is necessary. Ready?" The two boys had not once looked away from each other, but both nodded quickly. "Begin!"

"Sharingan!" Itachi murmured, red bleeding into his black eyes, the three wheels of the Uchiha Bloodline Limit calm for the moment. He examined the shark-like Mist boy across from him. That strange, wrapped blade was bigger than the boy himself, but Itachi was not fooled; he'd seen the other wield the weapon just fine in his earlier match. It was what lay under the wrappings that concerned him – the weapon seemed too thick to have a blade at all, which made the Uchiha prodigy wonder. _What is he planning?_

Kisame bared his sharp teeth in a predatory grin. The smaller, younger boy across from him, the pretty one that everyone was going on about and calling 'prodigy', was sizing him up carefully.

_Heh. Guess I'll get this started, then._ He reached behind him and grasped the Samehada firmly. Widening his grin, he pulled the sword over his shoulder and swung it down at the Uchiha in one smooth motion.

The attack was dodged of course, Itachi using his Sharingan to move just out of range of the still-wrapped blade. Kisame just swung again. His movements were smooth but overstated, and he could tell that the Uchiha was puzzled as to why his swings were so obviously easy to dodge. He just grinned again, and continued to let the younger boy dodge the blade by narrow margins, driving him back. Even when the red-eyed boy darted in closer to try landing kicks or slashes with his kunai, Kisame managed (barely) to block the attacks with his own blade, making Itachi block or dodge again.

After all, the Samehada didn't have to actually touch you to steal your chakra.

Itachi watched his opponent through narrowed red eyes. What was this strange shinobi trying to accomplish? It was obvious to everyone that this method of attack was inadequate to defeat him, yet he continued to pursue it anyway. Itachi felt a stab of disappointment – and he'd thought from the guy's earlier match that he was at least moderately intelligent. The Uchiha prodigy grimaced in annoyance. _I'll just end it quickly. No point in fighting someone obviously not on my level. I've already wasted so much energy- _Itachi stopped.

Kisame almost laughed out loud as realization dawned on the other's face, the strange red-and-black eyes widening. "Thought I didn't know what I was doing, eh? Thought you'd overestimated me?" He called, taunting, as the boy threw himself into a series of graceful flips that took him well out of range of the dangerous sword.

_He was stealing my chakra_! Itachi let the Sharingan drop briefly, raging at himself for not paying attention to the sword. He'd been so focused on what the Mist nin might be planning that he hadn't thought enough about the weapon itself. He stayed crouched near the arena wall, breathing hard, feeling much, much more drained than he ought to have from the simple dodging and attacking he'd been doing. _Damn it_!_ I have to get that sword away from him without losing too much more chakra_….

Kisame slung the Samehada over one shoulder and grinned, waiting, as the smaller boy rested. _I must have gotten more of his chakra than I thought_!_ Good. _He didn't know whether or not he could beat the Uchiha, but he _did_ want to make this a fight the prodigy – and everyone else – would remember.

Itachi closed his eyes, pulled the Sharingan back up and took a deep breath. _All right_….

Kisame immediately went on alert as the dark figure near the wall disappeared. Only the slightest niggling sense from the Samehada warned him to turn, just in time to see Itachi finish what was probably the fastest series of jumps, flips and handsprings that Kisame had ever seen. _This kid is so graceful it's inhuman…unbelievable._ The Uchiha, a kunai in each hand, dove forward out of one last flip and began to launch himself straight at Kisame-

only to disappear.

Itachi took one more deep breath as he flew upwards, flipped over in the air, and dove, crossed arms and kunai first, at his opponent. The shark-boy saw him coming, of course, and raised the gigantic blade to meet his crossed kunai…which suited Itachi just fine. Letting his legs continue to fall even after their blades clashed, he crossed his ankles around the handle of the other's sword and let his momentum move him into a back flip, jerking the sword right out of the Mist nin's hands. Dropping the kunai, he pushed off his hands and flipped again, taking himself further away from his opponent and launching the heavy sword at the far wall of the arena. It hit with a dull crash, and as he straightened, Itachi could see the angry scowl now covering his opponent's face. The Uchiha allowed himself a small smirk.

Kisame watched the annoying smirk disappear as his blue-skinned hands flew quickly through the seals to one of his water jutsus. He could see the confusion on the dark-haired boy's face, and it made him grin. _Almost done…I just hope this _works

_What does he think he's doing?_ Itachi wondered, raising an eyebrow at the seals. _There isn't any water in this arena_!

"Suiton! Suiryuudan no Jutsu!" Kisame called out his attack, and grinned as he felt his plan work. The crowd wasn't going to be happy with him – but it would be worth it, after what the Uchiha bastard did to his sword.

_What does he think he's doing?_ Itachi wondered again, ignoring the sudden loud protest that had arisen from the audience. He shrugged. _Well, if he wants to leave himself open, that's his problem._ Itachi was halfway to Kisame when the shadows on the ground changed, making him pause and look up.

From every cup, bottle and can in the audience, liquid was streaming out, gathering overhead into a stream with a dragon's head, almost ready to dive. Kisame could have spent an hour laughing at the look on the prodigy's face. _That was **priceless**_

Itachi got over his shock and incredulity just in time to dive back out of the way as the dragon plummeted right onto the spot where he had been standing a fraction of a second earlier. Immediately he dove forward, not caring that he got a bit wet from the bizarre liquid, and was on Kisame, kunai drawn, an eye blink later.

Only in the very back, most detached corner of his mind was he thinking: _That was _**brilliant.**

The fight was over a minute later. Kisame was good at close range fighting, but Itachi was better and faster. It ended with Kisame on his back, Itachi straddling his chest, two kunai at his throat.

Kisame immediately dropped his own kunai, calling out "I give up!" He had his pride, but he wasn't dumb either. He knew when he was outclassed, and the Uchiha was damn good at hand-to-hand.

"Then this match is over," declared the judge, appearing quite unflustered by the whole thing. "Winner: Uchiha Itachi!"

The crowd's cheers were almost deafening, but Itachi ignored them in favor standing and putting away the kunai. Then, he slowly reached out a hand to help his opponent up.

Kisame took the hand gracefully. That last kick to the stomach had been a nasty one; between that and the fall, he was still a bit winded. Immediately, he went over to get his sword, relieved that the wrappings had protected it from all but the most minor damage. _Good – I don't have to attempt to kill him for breaking my sword._

Itachi finally looked up at the crowd. His eyes searched through the stands until they found the Uchiha section. Completely ignoring his parents, his eyes went immediately to the small figure seated next to his mother. His little brother was standing on the seat, jumping up and down, his big dark eyes shining with excitement. Itachi raised one hand, eyes still on Sasuke's, and made his typical 'Come here' gesture. He saw Sasuke's smile get even bigger, and the little boy immediately jumped off the seat and darted for the stairs.

A moment later, his five-year-old brother came running onto the arena field and over to him. Itachi reached out with the usual forehead flick when Sasuke reached him.

"Itai!" Sasuke pouted for a second, rubbing his injury, but then the excitement welled up again, and he flung his arms around his brother's waist. "Niisan, you were fantastic!"

Itachi let a fond smile cross his face, patting his brother's head gently. "Thank you, Sasuke."

"You were! You were fantastic and cool and awesome and-" Itachi waited patiently for his brother to run out of synonyms, then hugged him back.

Kisame stood, watching this exchange with interest. Itachi apparently felt his gaze, because the dark head turned, and onyx eyes gazed back at him, unreadable.

Abruptly, Itachi picked up his little brother, settling the small boy on his shoulders and tolerantly ignoring the small hands that threaded through his hair. He walked over to his opponent, ignoring the fact that his father had just entered the stadium. Silence stretched between them, and Sasuke watched the strange boy with wide, dark eyes.

It was, Kisame thought, rather disconcerting to be stared at by identical pairs of midnight-black eyes. He wasn't quite sure what Itachi wanted, and was about to bow and make his excuses, when the little one spoke up.

"It wasn't nice of you to steal my soda." The two older boys looked up at Sasuke in surprise. The boy pouted, but it quickly melted away into a dazzling grin. "But that was a really cool jutsu! I want to learn it too!"

Itachi chuckled and Kisame grinned. "Perhaps someday your oniisan will teach it to you, ne?"

"Perhaps," Itachi agreed, with a fond look for his brother. Then he stuck out a hand to Kisame. "It _was_ a good idea. Very creative. Good match?"

Kisame didn't even hesitate before returning the firm grip.

"Good match."

Owari!

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AN: Yeah. For the forseeable future this will remain a one-shot. Hope you liked! 


	2. The Coke vs Pepsi Commercial of DOOM

The Coke vs. Pepsi Commercial of DOOM

By: Clever Audrey

Disclaimer: Anything in here that belongs to someone else does not belong to me.

Warning: This is _crack_. This is **lots **of crack. After reading _Weasel Meets Shark_, someone suggested to me that Itachi and Kisame should do a commercial, with a Coke dragon and a Pepsi dragon that fight each other. Except that I don't like Pepsi or Coke, so...yeah. This is what came out.

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Commercial: 

(Kisame and Itachi are facing each other across the Chuunin exams arena. Each is standing in front of a huge barrel of soda – Coke™ for Kisame and Pepsi™ for Itachi. Camera crews are in the stands and around the edges of the arena, hoping for the perfect shot. The crowd is screaming and chanting for their favorite drink…or their favorite shinobi. ;)

Kisame: Suiton! Suiryuudan no Jutsu!

Itachi: Suiton! Suiryuudan no Jutsu!

(A great soda-dragon rears up slowly out of each barrel. Itachi and Kisame concentrate, and the two dragons strike each other, crashing and battling head to head, each trying to push the other back.)  
Audience: Coke! Coke! Coke!

Other Audience: Pepsi! Pepsi!

Sasuke: Go Niisan!

(Itachi and Kisame stare at each other, their dragons locked in a fairly even match, neither making much headway.

Finally, just when it looks like Kisame might win, a huge, golden-colored dragon appears out of nowhere, crashing through the other two easily and splashing soda all over the arena.

The two ninja look up in shock and annoyance.

Naruto is standing on the arena wall, holding up a can of A&W Cream Soda™ and a victory sign, grinning widely.)

Naruto: I win!

Audience, camera crews, Kisame and Itachi: (gaping)

Judge: Winner – Uzumaki Naruto and Cream Soda!

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AN: Cream Soda rules. This is just proof that I should not try writing when I've only been awake for an hour. O.o  



End file.
